1. What time of day was Adam created?

Just a little before Eve.

2. Who was the fastest runner in the race?

Adam. He was first in the human race.

3. Why are atoms Catholic?

Because they have mass.

4. Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?

Because Noah was always standing on the deck

5. Why didn’t Noah ever go fishing?

He only had two worms.

6. Did Eve ever have a date with Adam?

Nope — just an apple.

7. Why did the unemployed man get excited while reading his Bible?

He thought he saw a job.

8. Does God love everyone?

Yes, but He prefers “fruits of the spirit” to “religious nuts!”

9. If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus was a little lamb…

Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

10. What’s so funny about forbidden fruits?

They create many jams.

11. Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?

He just knew there was something fishy about it.

12. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?

Absolutely ruthless

13. The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose.

Mosquitoes come close, though.

14. What kind of car does Jesus typically drive?

A Christler.

15. What do you get if you cross a Jehovah’s Witness and a Unitarian?

Someone who goes around knocking on doors for no apparent reason.

16. What excuse did Adam give his children about why he no longer lived in Eden?

Your mother ate us out of house and home!

17. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

18. Who was the first tennis player in the bible?

Joseph because he served in Pharaoh’s court

19. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?

David — he rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep

20. How do groups of angels greet each other?

Halo, halo, halo!

21. Who was the greatest moneyman in the Bible?

Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

22. What do we have that Adam never had?

Ancestors.

23. Where was Solomon’s temple located?

On the side of his head.

24. What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

It’s Christmas, Eve!

25. How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it, obviously.

26. Who do mice pray to?

Cheesus.

27. How do you make Holy Water?

You take some regular water and boil the devil out of it.

28. How long did Cain hate his brother?

As long as he was Abel.

29. Why did God create man before woman?

Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

30. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?

They were using fowl language.

31. Did you know they had cars in Jesus’ time?

Yup. The Bible says the disciples were all of one Accord.

32. Why do they say ‘Amen’ at the end of a prayer instead of ‘Awomen’?

Same reason we sing Hymns instead of Hers!

33. What do donkeys send out near Christmas?

Mule-tide greetings.

34. Did you hear about the 1-800 service they have for atheists now?

You dial the number and it rings and rings but nobody answers

35. Who was the smartest man in the Bible?

Abraham. He knew a Lot.

36. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?

Quackers.

37. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

Samson — he brought the house down

38. Who was the best female finance lady in the Bible?

Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet

39. What do they call pastors in Germany?

A: German Shepherds

40. Which Bible Character is a locksmith?

Zaccheus.

41. Which Bible character had no parents?

Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).

42. What’s the best way to study the Bible?

You Luke into it. 

​

​

Q: Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus’ time?
A: Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.

​

God's Creation

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
 Then God created Man and rested.
 Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. 

​

Who Makes the Coffee??

A married couple were arguing who is making the coffee, the wife said that in the Bible it says that men should make the coffee and the husband asked her where it said that. The wife opened the Bible and said: "Right here in HEBREWS!"

​

A Woman at the Post Office

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. 
 "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. 
 "Oh, my goodness! Have we come to this?" said the woman. 
 "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!"

Amen!

​

Q: Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'? 
A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!

​

Going Down!!

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

​

ADVERTISING

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" 
"It is" 
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?" 
"I can" 
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" 
"I do" 
"Is he a member of your congregation?" 
"He is" 
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" 
"He will". 

​

A Child's Point of View!

The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the children's Sunday School class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw some picture that would illustrate the story. Little Bobby drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat was a man and in the back seat, a man and a woman. The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson of Adam and Eve. Little Bobby was prompt with his explanation. "Why, this is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden!"

Sunday Funnies

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"

Little Angel!

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
Johnny asked his mom, “Where’d he come from?”
 “He came from heaven, Johnny.”
Johnny responded: “Wow! I can see why they threw him out!”

​

The Monkey

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the monkey was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's The Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"? "Well," said the monkey, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother." 

​

How to Get to Heaven?

A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Again, the answer was "NO!"

"Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"

In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

Timmy didn’t want to put his money in the offering plate Sunday morning, so his mother decided to use some hurried creative reasoning with him.

“You don’t want that money, honey,” she whispered in his ear. “Quick! Drop it in the plate. It’s tainted!”

Horrified, the little boy obeyed.

After a few seconds he whispered, “But, mommy, why was the money tainted? Was it dirty?

“Oh, no dear,” she replied. “It’s not really dirty. It just ‘taint yours, and it ‘taint mine,” she replied. “It’s God’s.”

* * * * *

Mrs. Smartt was fumbling in her purse for her offering when a large television remote fell out and clattered into the aisle.

The curious usher bent over to retrieve it for her and whispered, “Do you always carry your TV remote to church?”

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come with me this morning, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

* * * * *

A Sheepish Recovery

A devout old shepherd lost his favorite Bible while he was out looking for a wayward lamb. Three weeks later, a sheep walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The shepherd couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the sheep’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”

“Not really,” said the sheep. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

* * * * *

Words of wisdom: “There’s a fine line between a long, drawn-out sermon and a hostage situation.”

* * * * *

The church council met to discuss the pastor’s compensation package for the coming year. After the meeting the chair of council told the pastor: “We are very sorry, Pastor, but we decided that we cannot give you a raise next year.”

“But you must give me a raise,” said the pastor. “I am but a poor preacher!”

“l know,” the council chair said. “We hear you every Sunday.”

* * * * *

God is talking to one of his angels and says, “Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?”

The angel says, “Yes, but what will you do now?”

God says, “I think I’ll call it a day.”

* * * * *

A newly-ordained pastor, in the first days of his first call, was attempting to console the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket, the nervous young pastor said, “I realize this must be a very hard blow for you, Mrs. Svenson. Just try to remember that what we see before us is only the husk, the shell of your dear husband–the nut has gone to heaven.”

* * * * *

Have you heard about the first baseball game in the Bible?

In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

* * * * *

There will be a meeting of the Church Board immediately after the service,” announced the pastor.

After the close of the service, the Church Board gathered at the back of the sanctuary for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst — a visitor who had never attended their church before.

“My friend,” said the pastor, “Didn’t you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?”

“Yes,” said the visitor, “and after today’s sermon, I suppose I’m just about as bored as anyone else who came to this meeting.”

* * * * *

Ask and You Shall Receive

Pastor Larson and his council president, Sven Johnson ended up in a heated argument over a seemingly minor worship detail.

“I suggest we go home and pray to God to grant us peaceful hearts,” said Pastor Larson as Sven stormed past him into the churchyard.

After worship the next Sunday morning, Sven greeted Pastor Larson warmly. “I took your advice,” he said. “I went home and said a prayer.”

“Great!” said Pastor Larson. “So did I! I prayed that God would grant us both peaceful hearts and a fresh start.”

“That’s not what I prayed,” said Sven. “I asked God to help me put up with you.”

* * * * *

If Jesus was from Alabama

A little girl from Alabama went to church for the first time ever when she was visiting her grandparents in Michigan. When the pastor announced it was time for the Lord’s Supper, she was excited–and hungry. The congregation filed up to the altar rail, and the child watched in confusion as her grandparents received a wafer and small plastic cup of wine. She could hardly wait to get back to the pew to tell her grandma that Jesus wasn’t from Alabama.

“How do you know that, dear?” asked her grandma.

“Because that was the poorest meal I’ve ever seen,” she said. “Mama would’ve at least given everybody some corn bread and sweet tea.”

* * * * *

This summer’s church carnival included a dunking tank, where softball throwers with good aim could make a big splash with the pastor. The tank proved a popular attraction, but things really took off when the pastor put a sign above himself that read, “Goliath.”

* * * * *

A Backyard Neighbor Funeral

Mr. Green peered over his fence and noticed that the neighbor’s little boy was in his backyard filling in a hole. Curious about what the youngster was up to, Mr. Green asked, “What are you doing, Jimmy?”

Tearfully, little Jimmy replied, “My goldfish died, and I’ve just buried him.”

“That’s an awfully large hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Mr. Green said.

Patting down the last bit of earth, little Joey replied, “That’s because he’s in your cat!”

* * * * *

The Frugal Lutheran

The frugal Lutheran walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted. “What happened, honey?” inquired his wife.

“It’s a great new idea I have to be a better steward of our resources,” he gasped. “I ran all the way home from the stewardship committee meeting behind the bus and saved $1.50.

“That wasn’t very bright,” replied his flustered wife. “Why didn’t you run behind a taxi and save $10?”

* * * * *

Bent over and obviously in pain, the old man with a cane hobbled laboriously through the sanctuary and into the pastor’s office while the choir was practicing.

Ten minutes later he came out, walking upright and moving with grace and speed.

“Good gracious,” the choir director exclaimed. “Did the pastor heal you by faith?”

“No,” the old man said with a smile. “He just gave me a cane that wasn’t six inches too short!”

* * * * *

A pastor fell out with his church council over various church policies and procedures, including how the finances were handled. After bitter arguments and many nights of lost sleep, he decided to leave the congregation to take a job as a prison chaplain. He preached his last sermon at the church on John 14:1: “I go to prepare a place for you.”

* * * * *

A man died and went to heaven.  He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who led him down the golden streets.  They passed stately homes and beautiful mansions until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a rundown cabin. The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in.  St. Peter replied, “I did the best with the money you sent us.”

* * * * *

In a moment creative inspiration, the entrepreneur who owned the coin-op laundry beside the church commissioned this sign for his window: “Where cleanliness really is next to Godliness!”

* * * * *

The Hand of God

Little Philip was walking home in the rain with his mother following Sunday worship. It finally stopped raining as they rounded the corner, where to their surprise and delight appeared a vivid double rainbow in the sky.

“Doesn’t it look like an artist painted this rainbow?” his mother exclaimed. “I bet God painted this just for you!”

“Yes,” replied Philip, “God did it, and he did it left handed.”

Confused, his mother asked him, “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?”

“Well,” said Philip, “we learned in Sunday School that Jesus sits on God’s right hand.”

* * * * *

Jesus said, “Who do people say that I am?”

And his disciples answered and said, “Some say you are John the Baptist returned from the dead; others say Elijah, or one of the prophets.

And Jesus answered and said, “But who do you say that I am?”

Peter answered and said, “Thou art the Logos, existing in the Father as His rationality and then, by an act of His will, being generated, in consideration of the various functions by which God is related to his creation, but only on the fact that Scripture speaks of a Father, and a Son, and a Holy Spirit, each member of the Trinity being coequal with every other member, and each acting inseparably with and interpenetrating every other member, with only an economic subordination within God, but causing no division which would make the substance no longer simple.”

And Jesus answered and said, “What?”

* * * * *

After worship one Sunday a little boy told the pastor, “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.”

“Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, “but why?”

“Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.”

* * * * *

The weary evangelist knocked on another door, fully expecting to have it slammed in his face. Sure enough, the older woman who answered, angrily demanded that he leave once she figured out why he was there and slammed the door.

The door, however, bounced back open, and the woman shouted, “Get your foot out of my door!”

“But ma’am…” the evangelist began, when the woman again slammed the door in his face. Once again it bounced back open.

“I said get your foot out of my door!” the woman yelled again. One more time she slammed the door. One more time it bounced open again.

“But ma’am…” the evangelist said again, only to be cut off.

“Don’t talk back to me!” the woman screamed in a rage. “I want you off my property!” She slammed the door a fourth time, only to see it bounce open a fourth time.

“Ma’am,” the evangelist yelled as he beat a hasty retreat down the sidewalk, “you’ll be able to close your door if you move your cat out of the way!”

* * * * *

Jesus and Moses are golfing.

Jesus says, “Watch this drive. It’ll be just like Tiger Woods.” He hits the ball and it lands in the lake.

Moses says, “I’ll get it.” He goes down to the lake, parts the water and retrieves the ball.

“Okay,” Jesus says, “This time, it WILL be just like Tiger Woods.” He hits the ball and again, it lands in the lake. Moses goes down, parts the lake and retrieves the ball.

“Third time is a charm,” Jesus says. “Watch, just like Tiger Woods.” And for the third time he hits the ball into the lake.

Moses says, “This time, you can get it yourself!”

As Jesus is down walking on the water looking for the ball, a crowd has formed. One guy says, “Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?”

“No,” Moses says. “He thinks he’s Tiger Woods.”

* * * * *

Early one morning the husband and wife were arguing over who should get out of the warm bed to make the coffee. Finally the wife folded her arms and said decidedly, “You have to make the coffee. It’s in the Bible!”

The husband was shocked. “Is not! Show me!”

Pulling out her Bible, the wife opened it to one of the New Testament books and declared, “It says right here — HEBREWS!”

* * * * *

Creation is Exhausting!

God is talking to one of his angels. He says, “Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?”

The angel says, “Yes, but what will you do now?”

God says, “I think I’ll call it a day.”

* * * * *

No Fish Here

Arne and Peder decide to go ice fishing. They head out, find a nice spot, cut a hole in the ice, and stick in their poles.

Suddenly, a loud voice booms from above, “THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!!”

Arne and Peder look around, look at each other, and look up, and they don’t see anyone.

“I suppose we’d better move then,” says Peder. They get up and find another spot on the ice, cut a hole, and stick in their poles with great hopes of fresh Walleye. Once again, the voice booms from above, “THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!!”

They look around, look at each other, then look up. Again, they don’t see anyone. “We best find another spot,” says Arne. So, they gather up their equipment, choose another promising spot on the ice, cut a hole, and stick in their poles.

Once again, the loud voice booms from above, “THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!!”

They look around, look at each other, then look up, again seeing no one. Peder calls out, “God in Heaven, is that you?”

The voice responds, “NO! THIS IS THE SKATING RINK MANAGER! THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!!”

* * * * *

At his first service, the new preacher had a pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached, he drank until the pitcher was completely empty.

On the way out, someone asked the elder matriarch what she thought of the new pastor.

“He’s great,” she said with a smile. “But he’s the first windmill I ever saw that ran on water.”

* * * * *

Greeting people at the door after Easter services, Pastor Jane was delighted to shake hands with “Seldom-Seen” Steve, and even more delighted when he complimented her on her sermon and said service was “amazing.” Faced with such evidence of faithfulness, she asked why he didn’t come to church more often.

“I’m just following the Lord’s example,” he said. “If Christ can rise up early only one Sunday a year, that’s good enough for me, too!”

* * * * *

It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Annie stayed home from church with her mother. When the rest of the family returned home, they were carrying palm fronds. Annie asked them what they were for.

“People held them over Jesus’ head as he rode by on a colt,” her father explained.

“Wouldn’t you know it,” Annie fussed, “the one Sunday I’m sick and Jesus shows up and offers pony rides!”

* * * * *

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, “Don’t pay for me, Daddy, I’m under five.”

* * * * *

The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. “Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled pastor. “Are you sure about that?”

“Yes,” said the boy. “On the drive back from church I heard Mom say to Dad, ‘Remember, we’re having the old goat for dinner tonight.’ ”

* * * * *
Bad Stewardship Bulletin Bloopers

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The Associate Pastor unveiled the church’s new stewardship campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge–Up Yours”

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

* * * * *

Pastor Paul had been advised by his doctor to lose 30 pounds or risk serious health consequences. The good pastor took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to the church building to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived for Bible study carrying a gigantic devil’s food cake. The class chuckled and chided him, but the good pastor’s smile remained cherubic.

“This is a very special cake,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, ‘Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious cakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.’ And sure enough,” he continued, “the eighth time around the block, there it was!”

* * * * *

Dust Off that Ash Wednesday Joke!

The pastor commenced praying with the words “Oh Lord, without you we are but dust.” As he paused for a dramatic effect, a small child’s voice was heard to say, “Mommy, what is butt dust?”

* * * * *

Strange Math

After the wedding, the little ringbearer asked his father, “How many brides can the groom marry?”

“One,” his father said. “Why do you ask?”

Because the priest said he could marry sixteen,” the boy said, puzzled.

“How’d you come up with that?” his father asked.

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the priest said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

* * * * *

At the vestry meeting, the congregation’s wealthiest member decided to share a portion of his faith story.

“I’m a millionaire,” he said, “and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I can still remember the turning point in my faith, like it was yesterday:

I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a youth meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God’s work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today.”

When he finished and sat down, the chair of the stewardship committee leaned over and said: “Wonderful story! I dare you to do it again!”

* * * * *

Best of friends, Rabbi Schwartz and Father O’Malley were at a diner enjoying lunch. Father O’Malley put down his ham and cheese sandwich and commented, “This sandwich is so good! Kosher dietary restrictions made sense in ancient times, but when are you going to join the modern age and eat delicious, wholesome food like this?

Without missing a beat, Rabbi Schwartz replied, “At your wedding.”

* * * * *

The A priest and a pastor stood near a sharp curve on a busy road holding signs. “The end is near!” read the priest’s sign, while the pastor’s warned, “Turn around before it’s too late!”

As he passed by, a jerk in a sports car yelled “Idiots!” and shook his head. Then he blasted his horn, raised one finger and stomped on the gas. Moments later the clerics heard the sound of screeching tires, followed by a big splash.

The priest turned to the pastor and said, “Maybe we should change our signs to ‘Bridge Out’.”
* * * * *

​

* * * * *

Q: How many missions magazine editors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one — they’re trained to bring light to a dark world.

Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None – there’s no point, since atheists refuse to see the light.

Q: How many Quakers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels an inner light.

Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thirteen – one to change the bulb and 12 to sit around talking about how much they miss the old bulb.

Q: How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None – they just wait for God to say “Let there be light.”

Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If God has predestined the light bulb to shine, it will change itself.

Q: How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change? What is this change you speak of?

Q: How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but soon all those around can warm up in its glowing.
*****